doodledee

• Get out your wallet and go see Ben Kweller's headlining gig at the Quest. It's about $6 too much for me, but I'm sure it'll be fun. [Oct30]
• Say your loyalty oath and head on over to the Target Center for a Minnesota Victory Rally with President Bush. Rumor has it that Bush is going to kick off the rally by repelling from the ceiling to the stage and end it by butchering Warren Zevon's 'Werewolves of London' in front of a hysterical crowd. Can't miss that. [Oct30]

• Spend an afternoon scraping the wettest, soggiest, heaviest leaves in the history of the world off your lawn. I think eleventeen inches of rain fell in the last couple of days. That is so lame.
• Get the candy ready for Halloween. Have fun with the kids. [Oct31]

• Alternapoprock semi-newcomers Ike Reilly are gonna blow up soon. They're playing First Avenue on 11/24. Be there to get your t-shirt to prove you were there and that you heard of them first.
• My boss used to be one of those "2 cans of tuna and a block of cheese for lunch" guys, but last week I caught him hammering down a scone for breakfast. That's enough evidence for me to predict that the low-carb diet fad will officially be over by March 2005. Good riddance, I says.
• The Israelis and Palestinians will find a lasting peace when a couple of large multinationals are forced to officially sponsor the peace process. Seriously, imagine if instead of the lamer "Camp David Accords" we drafted the "Wal-Mart Accords" or the "Coca-Cola Accords" or - obviously - the "Honda Accords". Think of the energy they'd put into making something work, if only to avoid the perceived marketing blunder if it failed.
• I will be saving my dead-on election predictions until closer to the big day. Try not to wet your pants waiting.

Last Sunday I spent an hour or two racing around the yard in frantic attempt to cross a few fall chores of The List. At some point I noticed this middle-aged couple turn the corner and start walking down our block, but thinking nothing of it, I stayed kneeling in the grass, head down, gutting window boxes with a handheld garden rake.

Suddenly my manly intuition kicked in, and sensing something wasn't quite right, I sideways-peeked at the couple and noticed that the woman was now hurrying across the street, right towards our house. Almost bubbling over, she hopped into our boulevard and blurted out, "Do you remember me?!"

"Uhh, no," I thought, glancing around and taking inventory of my kid.

She presses, "I'm Kathy, the lady who used to live here! I was just in the neighborhood, blah blah blah."

That's when Libby clicked. "Sure, I remember you. How have you been? [other niceties, etc, etc]."

The lady was pleasant enough. She went on for a bit about the observable changes to the house (paint, etc) and asked if we'd done anything to the inside (furnace, etc). She mentioned the horses she keeps at her 'new' country home and she shuffled her feet and kicked at the ground during the awkward silences. The conversation lasted maybe 3 minutes before she and the dude she was with – "he's not the same man I was with when I sold you this house" – headed on down the road.

After they left, I went back to bagging dead geraniums, but I wondered how often that type of thing happens to people. Is there a protocol I should have followed? Should we have invited her in for a tour? I hope not, because I wasn't about to. The whole situation kind of weirded me out. I went over and talked with Commie Mike about it, but he didn't really help.

Ah, well.

Let me state again for the record that I’m old. After a few nights of concerts and some longish days at the office I'm ready to pass out. This morning when I got to work I went to the break room to get some coffee and after I washed and dried my mug I went back to my desk, forgetting to actually get anything to drink. I almost cried when I sat down and realized my cup was empty. It took me 10 minutes to work up the energy to try it again. I was successful the next trip, but when you're only batting .500 at the coffee pot, you've got problems.

Back in my stronger days of youth I used to be able to keep it going for days. I remember plowing through like 3 consecutive overnight shifts of dorm security on top of going to class and shoveling mashed potatoes in the cafeteria - leaving me with like 2 hours of sleep per night - and not really missing a beat. I'd eat some Lucky Charms at 2am and catch an after-lunch nap in the stacks at Walter and I'd be just fine. Ahh, youth. Why have you forsaken me?

Some other things I don't do as well as I used to:

• math problems
• playing ice hockey
• riding a skateboard
• putting up with people

On an up note, my golf game seems to get a little better every year. I can't really explain it, but hey, it's something.

Good times were had by me.

Wilco 2004-10-25 [wilcobase]

• Kudos to Kris and Ron for the wine and the Banff tips on Friday night.
• Kudos to PDX for the donuts and coffee at the Homecoming parade on Saturday morning. Unfortunately, even taking into account KC's highlight reel worthy appearance on Ch4, this year's parade set a new low for lameness. Note to the kids of Generation Everyone-Is-Above-Average: you can't make a float worth shit.
• Kudos to Dr. Maren. And to Gail and Bug for the spread.
• Kudos to Cake for ripping it up at First Avenue on Saturday night. I love your explosive funky rhythms and your appreciation of the note not played. I can live without your mandated sing-alongs, though. (Subkudos to my sister for babysitting during the show.)
• Kudos to Kelly and John for the grub and the eardrum shattering home theater experience. I seriously do not think it was that loud at the *real* Pearl Harbor.

I'll leave the real analysis to JoePa, but seriously, how fun is playoff baseball? How about super fun? And you know why? First and foremost, because the games are played so close together and there's a palpable momentum to each series. But also because the players are articulate and humble and they respect the game and they love to play. And because the umpires rarely screw up and when they do they fix it because they value the integrity of the game above all else. And because there's like million years of tradition in the stats and the stadiums and the rivalries. And for tons of other reasons, too.

Contrast all that to the NBA, which I think now takes 125 days to play a 4-round playoff bracket and where the players are thugs and criminals who don't know how to pass and the refs "let" Shaq back over people like a garbage truck while taking 9 steps on his way to the basket in a stadium full of people who paid $85 for their ticket and a hot dog. And that's coming from a huge NBA fan, mind you.

Ah, well. There's still no way I'm watching baseball in May. And I still think all that beer and champagne in the winning locker room is silly, especially when Anne Hutchinson isn't around "help celebrate". And, oh yeah, don't forget that MLB's financial model is totally broken. But screw that stuff, I'm too busy watching great baseball to care about the negatives.

Oh, and closed circuit to Sid: Looking forward to your next column... Can't wait to see you blame the Yankee's loss on the fact that they play in such an old stadium. Go 'Stros!

I know it'll sound lame to all my teenage readers who don't know what it's like to be chained to a desk all day, but I almost peed my pants last Friday when I found the newest unquestionable Greatest Sneaky Backroad Technique for Getting Out Of Downtown Minneapolis. It is awesome.

Here's a map:

Short Version

Follow the blue line.

Long Version

The main goal is to try and avoid the disaster that occurs when everyone bunches up on 394 leaving downtown. (See diagram: "Nightmare Zone"). Traffic tends to loosen up quite a bit after the single lane chokepoint that happens when downtown traffic merges with the rest of 394, so the idea is to somehow work your way down to the next on-ramp before you get actually get on.

The old sneaky way - (See diagram, blue line->pink line) - was to go down Glenwood to Lyndale, then go down Lyndale to that road is that runs in front of Dunwoody, which is actually Wayzata Blvd. Wayzata Blvd dead-ends at 394 and you can jump on right there, well ahead of the downtown chokepoint (Diagram: "Jackpot") The problem with taking that sneaky way is that there's a good chance that you'll get stuck in a big ass line on Lyndale because there are tons of lights and buses and doofs and it'll end up taking way longer than it would have just sitting in traffic. Do you feel lucky? Sometimes, sure.

Well salvation has arrived and it goes by the name of Linden. I noticed it the other day. It's a crazy, narrow, dirty looking little street that turns off of Lyndale that nobody ever takes because it doesn't even look like it goes anywhere. Well it does, and it bypasses all the lights and crap on Lyndale and you're sailing onto the freeway in seconds, not minutes. It was awesome.

Woo hoo!

A couple weeks back one of the Twins' playoff games was on a Wednesday night. It was an ESPN game, which meant that all the shut-ins without cable wouldn't have been able to see it unless it was also simulcast on a local broadcast channel. Uh oh. Mobilize the Sid Hartman Fan Club and call Mike Max, we have a situation here.

It turned out it wasn't a big deal. At least it wasn't after someone at the Magic Kingdom called up the local ABC station operator and told them to show the game instead of the usual Wednesday night ABC programming. I'd like to think of it as a selfless gesture on the part of Disney, but I'm thinking it had less to do with people seeing the game and more to do with people seeing the commercials. But whatever, at least it was on.

Wednesday nights are bad for TV. They have been since 90210 ended, really. I guess this year's Wednesday night hopes are pinned on this 'Lost' show. Something like 5 people are already hooked it. One of them is Huna. And man was he bummed when he got home to find that his Tivo was taping the Twins instead of his new favorite show. How bummed you ask? Bummed enough to write in to KSTP and ask that they replay the episode he missed. (Translation: hardcore bummed.)

PLEASE re-run tonight's episode of Lost. Many of us at work are getting hooked on this show. We were greatly disappointed to find out the preemption by baseball, with almost no notice of a switch to channel 45... [rinse, repeat]

The program director dude wrote back:

[long explanation of all the stuff they did to try and notify people of the programming change]... I apologize for the inconvenience. However, due to the network contracts we only get one run of the show.

I followed-up with the PD, hoping to reassure him he'd done the right thing.

Despite what [Huna] claims, there are only maybe 2 people at the office that are hooked on the new show. On the other hand, many of us actually are hooked on Twins playoff baseball and we appreciate your efforts in getting it out there.

That said, don't even *think* about messing with 'Desperate Housewives' on Sunday. That's just being unreasonable.

He wrote back:

It's a deal.

I'm watching the Vikes game on ESPN as I write this. A quick check of the TV listings shows that while it, too, is being simulcast locally, it's being shown on the little brother Channel 45 instead of the Real Deal Channel 5.

Why, you ask?

The decision to move the game [from Ch5 to Ch45] was made Thursday after ABC put pressure on its affiliate not to bump its Sunday prime-time lineup to KSTC. In defending their call, KSTP executives pointed to the strong local ratings for "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "Desperate Housewives"...

Now I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Vikings game moved to Channel 45 [strib]
'Lost' official page [abc]

I remained totally hooked on Survivor. I know it stopped being cool after like season 2, but whatever, it's still fun for me. This season isn't as good as some of the other ones, but the commercials keep alluding to the fact the volcano on the island might blow up and destroy a bunch of the survivors - can you say ironical? - so that alone keeps me tivo'ing away each week.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll win when I get on the show. Then I realize, no, I probably won't, and that I'll probably be one of the first ones kicked off. And it won't be because I'm a threat, either, it'll be because I'm one of those camp jackasses who takes all the fun out of eating rice and grubs for 38 days. Hell, I'd vote me off. Just to shut me up.

But when I imagine what it'd be like for me to be on the show, I never think about the grueling challenges or the complex pseudo-political head games you have to play with your doofus fellow castaways. Nor do I think about the lack of food and water or about sunburn or spiders or the weather or whatever else seems like it'd be impossible to put up with. Instead, I think about what I'd wear. And that's pretty unlike me because I usually never think about what I'm gonna wear until I'm walking out the door and I realize I forgot to get dressed.

I'm thinking some quick dry shorts, so as to avoid the inner thigh chafe. That's about all I've got nailed down for sure.

We joined the big Costco store the other day. I went up there a couple weeks back with the neighbor lady so I could mooch her membership and buy a folding table and when I saw some of the prices on the other stuff they sell I couldn't resist joining for myself. It's insane. I will *so* save more than our membership cost us over the next 12 months. After that, well, we'll see about re-upping. No promises.

I've always enjoyed poking fun at people who shop at the big price clubs. After all, what am I supposed to do with a 25-pound bag of chicken nuggets? Or a 3-foot long sleeve of AA batteries? Or a 2-gallon can of chocolate frosting? The reality is that I don't need any of that stuff and now that I'm a member I probably still won't buy the batteries. But man, they sell milk for $2/gallon. And these huge bags of awesome salad for like $4. And all kinds of other good stuff like pants and xbox accessories and these really big hot dogs. Genius! Sign me up!

A couple observations after shopping there a few times:

• Everyone who is there is obsessed by being there. They're in some sort of matrix style mind meld with the store, almost to a state of worship. I prefer to call it "brainwashed by the brand", but whatever. Last weekend I had this urge to walk around and slap people's faces and remind them that they're still in a carefully managed consumer environment, but I got distracted by a free pot-pie sample and forgot what I was thinking about. Damn you home-baked goodness!!
• Getting out of the place sucks. The checkers are doofs in slow motion. Slowmodoofs. Bring a fistful of patience when you go, 'cause you're gonna need it to punch yourself in the face as you wait in line.
• Not everything is a deal. Some food items are cheaper at Cub and some prescription drugs are cheaper in Canada. And they don't price stuff in an obvious enough way (read: per unit) to make it easy to comparison shop unless you can do math. Sneaky pricks.

That's about it. Don't be surprised if in 5 months I'm kicking myself for joining, but hey, at least it's not Sam's Club.

Costco's Website [costco]
Wal-Mart = Bush. Costco = Kerry. Uhh, I'm just here for the ribs. [slate]

• Go get lost in the Sever's Corn Maze. This year the prices have gone up, big corporate sponsors have moved in, and the maze has an election theme. Sure, that sounds like three big strikes against it, but come on! It's a frickin' maze made of maize. And who doesn't like a maize maze? [Every Sat/Sun thru Oct31]
• Go get a pumpkin. Sure, the grass is still green and the air isn't so much as slightly crisp, but it's that time, dammit. And yes, Target has really nice ones for like $3, but they don't come with the hayrides and cider and facepainting that some of the exurban fake pumpkin farms do. So go have fun on the farm, buy an $8 pumpkin, then stop at Target on the way home and get 3 more cheap ones. [Various]
• Get back in the black at Dash's monthly hold 'em tournament. Ok, that won't happen, but at least try and make top 10. [Oct9]
• Pretend it snowed a foot and a half and plant your ass on the couch in front of the tube. You've got your Twins Baseball, you've got your Gopher Football (different stadium this week, whew!), and you've got your suspected Jimmy Fallon cameo on SNL after sitting out all of one episode after "retiring" last season. After you pick your pumpkin, pick at least one of those three to relax in front of. [Check local listings]
• [update] And I almost forgot, Ego Moore is in town whip liberals into a frenzy tonight. 8pm. I can't find out how much it costs, so I'll probably just stay home and grill something and watch the Twins. [Oct8]

He really has too many to list, but these are probably my current top 5.

• kennel up!
• lator gator
• butt in the air
• game over
• i'm dumb drinkin'

There's a story in the news today about how Bob Dylan probably won't win the Nobel Prize for Literature this year. Or any other year, for that matter. I was honestly surprised to hear he was nominated at all, but then I read that it was Allen Ginsberg who convinced some dude on the nominating committee to submit Dylan's name and then I wasn't as surprised any more. After all, John Lennon told me Ginsberg could fly, so getting some singer nominated for some silly award would be child's play for him.

Apparently a big part of the reason he hasn't won the prize already is because there's some debate as to whether or not song lyrics technically count as "literature". It seems like kind of a heady academic argument and seeing as my last "literature type class" was maybe 10 years ago, I'll go ahead and recuse myself from getting involved. I will say, however, that I went through a phase in college where I would stay up late at night transcribing Dylan lyrics - play, stop, rewind, play, stop, scratch head, rewind, play, rinse, repeat - and that, despite the hype - his lyrics were much cooler than I thought they would be. Everyone should go through that phase.

Dylan also has a new book out. It's the first of three that will make up his "official" memoirs. Probably worth checking out, but I think I'll wait until the paperback.

Dylan's Nobel Nomination Sparks Debate [myway]
Chronicles, Vol. 1 [amazon]

Last Saturday, the Metrodome had a full schedule. In the morning, a bunch of dudes from HotRod Motorsports were there making sure the old dome would be strong enough to contain the car crushing power of 14 teeth-rattling monster trucks (it will! it will!). Then at 11, the Twins took the field for a game that apparently meant something but I don't really know what because I thought they already made the playoffs. Finally at 7, the bandwagon that is the Minnesota Gopher football team was scheduled to take the field and kick some Happy Valley butt.

Go figure, the Twins game went into extra innings and eventually had to be suspended so that the dome crew would have enough time to convert the field from baseball to football before kick off. It's the first time in the history of the Metrodome that a scheduling issue has forced a game to be delayed. Crazy, huh? Oh, well, no big deal, once every 11 years is nothing to cry about, right?

Guess again.

Listen to the sobs from the Twins:

"We're in the middle of a mess here now," said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, visibly upset. "They're just going to stop the game! Stop, you can't play no more. We don't need a [new] stadium? Come on!"

...

"This tells you how bad we need our new park," said reliever Juan Rincon...

...

"I thought we were a professional team," Twins outfielder Torii Hunter said. "Unbelievable. That's why we need a new stadium."

...

"Boo-hoo, I'm a whiney little bitch. Where's my mommy, I need some chocolate milk and a hug," said Corey Koskie.

And my favorite, a take from some numbnut at CBS Sportsline:

How and the city of Minnesota allowed this to happen is incomprehensible. ... The Metrodome is a joke for baseball and not much better for football.

"How and the city of Minnesota?" Uhh, methinks it's your writing that is incomprehensible, not the less-than-once-in-a-decade scheduling conflict you attempted to savage. Doof.

Hasn't rain ever caused a game to be postponed? (Hint: yes.) Do these same bunch of cryasses sit around complaining over the lack of a roof when that happens? (Hint: probably.) I just don't get it. It happed, it was unfortunate, now buck-up and act like a professional and get ready to kick some tail first thing tomorrow.

Oh, and they won the game the next day. Kudos to them. Now go beat down on some Yankees. And please, shut your cake hole about a new stadium.

Indians-Twins suspended after 11 [mlb]
Weekend in Review [sportsline] [third item]

We went down to Lake Harriet to watch the marathon flow by this morning. It was a beautiful morning for running and an even more beautiful morning for drinking coffee and standing and clapping.

Same story as every other year, I guess. It's hard to be cynical at something so cool.

I hope Dash did well.

tc marathon 02 [doodledee]
True Life: I'm a long distance runner [asishdash]