doodledee

At this point I've kinda stopped paying attention to all the state government shutdown crap. Last week I even half-guiltily fast-forward through the 'analysis' segments on Almanac. (And I'm a *huge* Eric Eskola fan.) But even my sudden onset topic fatigue hasn't prevented me from drawing my own a half-informed conclusion that TPaw, Chief Sviggum, and Deano Johnson are just worthless doofs. Worthless because they've had all this time and they can't get the job done. Worthless because the process has degenerated to the point where it feels like it's more about making the other guy look bad rather than making all of Minnesota look good. Worthless because of the rhetoric and the spin and the racino and the tax/fee nonsense and for so many other wacky reasons. Worthless worthless worthless doofs doofs doofs.

And then today I read that last weekend's meetings went like this:

A weekend of expected nonstop negotiating got off to a bad start Friday, when a meeting between Johnson and Pawlenty fell through. Pawlenty had left the Capitol to attend an evening wedding in Stillwater, telling Johnson he would return. Johnson stayed awhile -- how long is unclear -- then headed home. A tuxedo-clad governor came in sometime later, waited awhile, then left.

...

On Saturday, Pawlenty skipped meetings to attend his daughter's soccer game. On Sunday, Johnson skipped meetings to attend a dinner in Louisville, Ky. By Sunday night, Pawlenty proclaimed the situation at the Capitol "ridiculous."

Damn right it's ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as proposing that the whole gang should fly to a Summer Camp For Worthless Legislators and lock themselves in a cabin with their bunkmates until they got double dared into either calling a girl or doing their job. No wait, that's not ridiculous, that's just stupid. It's a good thing nobody suggested it.

So now we're faced with a shutdown of all non-essential services in the state. I'm pretty sure 'non-essential' means 'nobody will die if they go away', so I'm going to assume important stuff like heath insurance, the state patrol, and the good fireworks displays will continue to function as usual.

Unfortunately, the impact will not be limited to state government: if no budget deal is reached, I will be forced to remove all non-essential content from this website. Yep, you heard me. No color, no layout, no nothing. It's gonna be ugly:

Yuck. Who wants that? Not you, that's for sure. So howsabout you pick up the phone and call these worthless doofs and tell them you don't even read the paper so you don't care about who looks good or who looks bad, you just want them to do what's right and get the effing job done. Then slam down the phone and eat a peanut butter cup. That's what I'm gonna do.

Saturday morning found us way up in Anoka, crawling around on our hands and knees picking this year's batch of strawberries at the Bauer Berry Farm. We picked two huge boxes - approximately 1.5 more than we needed - but it was so beautiful out I could have kept picking for hours. And by 'for hours' I really mean 'maybe another 15 minutes longer than we stayed'.

That night found me standing in my underpants in our kitchen with fans blowing in every direction as I stirred pot after pot of red-hot liquid jam-magma. It was like a strawberry blast furnace or something. At one point I was so hot that I was convinced my sweat glands had stopped working properly so I tried panting the heat off like a dog. It didn't work - I just kinda hyperventilated and got dizzy. Oh well.

Only 12 more months 'til we do it all again. Yip yip.

• I need someone to explain to me why both the Indianapolis 500 and the US Open Golf Tournament were *not* broadcast in HDTV. Aren't they both 'major' sporting events? Weren't they both being shown on 'major' television networks? Well then what's the 'major' problem? It's not like the networks don't have a bunch of fancy HD cameras, they use them all the time for crappy sitcoms and/or worthless shows like ER. But screw the networks, what I really need an explanation for is why the doofs who ran out and dropped 5-large on a monster screen plasma TV haven't taken to the streets with torches and pitchforks over stuff like this. They should at least be mounting an angry but ineffective email campaign. I bet Best Buy would be happy to sponsor the uprising. Best corporate sponsored anti-corporation rally evar.
• I need someone to explain to me what the deal is with people driving around town with giant tropical birds perched on their shoulders. Seriously, I've seen this *twice* in the last week and both times I thought "ha! look at that doof driving around with a bird on his shoulder". Then the second time I also thought "wait a sec, I saw that last week, too. wtf is going on?!" Are huge tropical birds the hot new driving accessory for 2k5? If so, I totally missed the memo.
• I need someone to explain to me what the problem is over at the State Capital. A government shutdown? For real? Look, it was sorta cool when President Bartlet did it, but somehow when it's a) real and b) Minnesota, it becomes much less 'cool' and much more 'insane'. And what's this nonsense about how if/when the shutdown does happen, the ramp meters keep running but the campgrounds don't? We still have ramp meters?

The business section in last Saturday's Strib featured an article that ran under the headline 'Twins drop stadium's economic argument'. The story outlined the Twins' new [and improved] position on the economic impact a new stadium would have on Minneapolis and the greater Hennepin County area.

From Jerry Bell's lips to your eyes:

"I don't think the economic argument turns it one way or another, so why go there?" said Bell, president of Twins Sports Inc. "If there are side benefits, great. If not, so what?

"You get into an economic argument, and the bottom line is, 'Do you want to build it or not?' " he said.

Kudos to the Twins for finally admitting that the Salvation Through Stadiums argument was - and always has been - a bunch of BS. I'm not sure why their newfound commitment to honesty was buried in the business section, but whatever, I'll take my truth however they want to feed it to me.

Unfortunately, Sid Hartman must have skipped the D section that day, because today's column finds him worked into quite a lather over the City Council's recent "proceed with caution" resolution:

Twins officials say a new ballpark in back of Target Center could result in some big revenue for the city of Minneapolis, with a conservative estimate of $90 million, or $3 million a year, in sales taxes during the length of the 30-year lease.

In addition, there would be a tremendous amount of income from parking ramps owned by the city and more sales tax on purchases made by fans attending the games and the various restaurants in the loop, including the Warehouse District.

And if you don't believe that sporting and other events downtown don't result in spending, check with the various bars in the Warehouse District. And go to St. Paul and ask the operators of various bars and restaurants and parking lots and ramps how much business they have lost because of no Wild games. Don't believe reports otherwise.

He goes on to claim that the stadium will save City Center, Saks Fifth Avenue, and find tenants for the glut of empty office space downtown. He also basically guarantees that a new ballpark will bring back TGI Friday's, something that is apparently a good thing from his perspective.

Hey Sid, maybe you should take that silver butterknife steak out of your ears and listen to what EVEN THE TWINS are now admitting: the economic impact of a new stadium nets out to squatski. And after that, maybe it's time to pay a visit to your close, personal account friends over in St. Paul. I'm sure they'd be happy to show you how sales tax receipts actually increased this year, in spite of the NHL strike. Whoops, whoops, double whoops.

Full Disclosure: Yes, I'm aware that Sid is old and crazy and it's almost kind of unfair to pick on him, but in this case it was just too good to pass up, so shut it.

Last weekend, the search for the best jucy lucy in the Twin Cities took us all the way down to Rochester. Rumors had been circulating that the city's reigning burger champion, Newt's, made a pretty good JLu. What did we find? Well, for starters, we found the smallest buffalo wings in the history of bar food. But what about the Jucys? Well read the review, silly.

Newt's Review [doodledee]
The Search For the Best Jucy Lucy in the Twin Cities [doodledee]

Today was the Edina Model Yacht Club's annual parade of boats down at Centennial Lakes park. It's an all day event that lets radio controlled boat geeks show off their toys to a reasonably appreciative crowd. I figured I qualify as 'reasonably appreciative' – or at least 'easily amused' – so I took junior down to check it out.

It was actually pretty neat. They had all the boats set up on tables inside this one big park building so you could walk around and see each boat up close and talk to the dude who owned it about how he built it and stuff. I was all set to make a bunch of "what's your favorite type of model glue to sniff?" type jokes, but then it turned out that most of the owner guys were like these really nice old grandpa types who were super excited that you wanted to hear about how they glued stuff together. Which - I quickly discovered - I *totally* did.

Outside they were having the "open water" portion of the show, which is where anyone who feels like it can just put their boat in the water and drive it around. That was cool because we got to see a sampling of everything. There were tons of sailboats, some military boats, a submarine, some speed boats, a couple of fishing boats, a huge ore tanker, and probably some other boats that I can't remember. Later in the day they were even going to float some little burning rafts out into the lake and let the dudes who built model fire department boats drive their boats out and put out the fires. Am I the only one who thinks that sounds frickin' awesome?

Centennial Lakes Park [edina]

• After the late afternoon monsoon passed through, the sun came out and it turned out to be a beautiful night to watch the 'Minneapolis Downtown Classic' stage of the Minnesota Bike Festival's Grand Prix cycling race. If you've never seen a mob of 100 cyclists whizzing around a 1.2km road course you should definitely check it out, it's really a sight to see. You know what else is a sight to see? That same mob of 100 cyclists crashing into the protective barrier you're standing behind. It started when the lead rider bumped the curb and went down, crashing into the fence maybe 15 feet down from where we were. When the rest of the field - which was maybe 4 seconds behind the leader - swept around the corner, they were totally unaware that the lead rider had crashed, so they [unfortunately] ran right into the guy. After a couple of other guys went down, the rest of the field just started piling up on top of each other like railroad cars after the engine jumps the track. It was one of the most surreal things I've ever seen. Breaks were screeching, tires were exploding, riders were cursing, and bodies were flying everywhere. A couple of riders literally crashed directly into the barrier we were standing behind. Colin asked one of them "are you alright?" and the dude said "yeah" and then he got on his bike and started pedaling away. Within 30 seconds, all but maybe 4 guys were back up, racing like mad to the finish. What the hell is that about? I'm thinking if I wiped out like those guys did, I'd probably just sit there and think "jesus christ I am never riding a bicycle ever again" while I waited for someone to load me on a stretcher and take me to the refreshment tent. Oddly, the looks on all these guys' faces seemed to be saying "if I'm the first one up, I can totally win this race". (Of course I forgot my camera. Doof.me())
• This week also saw Team Yep wrap up yet another dominating season of Wednesday night co-rec city league softball. That may not sound like much - probably because it really isn't - but it's still fun to throw your glove in the air and whoop it up when you win the coveted 'champions' long sleeve t-shirt. I put mine on right away to help keep the mosquitoes away while I enjoyed a celebratory beer. The losers had to pass around a can of Off. Ha. Losers. (Note - there is apparently another Yep softball team somewhere in the Chicago area. WTF is that? We had that name *years* ago. Fake Yep even have a website. (Don't miss the trophy room, it makes me dizzy.) Imposters!)
• My soccer team lost in the championship game. I rolled my ankle and had to crawl off the field. That pretty much sums it up.

One of my annual fall chores is to trudge down to the basement and close the valve on the water pipe that leads to the hose connector outside. I've always understood that doing so would prevent the pipe from freezing - and therefore bursting - over the winter, but I've since learned that that's a bunch of bullshit because this spring when I opened the valve back up, water sprayed all over my basement courtesy of a huge gash in the side of the pipe. So much for that stupid chore, I guess. I'm probably the only one on the whole block who actually does it and I get repaid by being the only one who had a pipe burst. Doof.me().

So I spent a few weeks debating about whether or not I could fix it myself. I had to debate because while I'm a reasonably capable plumber, this particular repair included one goofy connection that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make. My lack of personal confidence caused me to stall, which in turn caused me to [accidentally] forget about it, which in turn caused Libby to [intentionally] remind me about it every few days, which *eventually* caused me to admit I was probably in over my head and that I should suck it up and call in the professionals. (In the meantime I shuttled buckets of water from the neighbors to keep our flowers and vegetables growing. I also washed the car one time, which I kinda thought was pushing it, but they didn't seem to mind at all.)

So today the plumber dude shows up. (Our plumber rules, by the way.) He's here for about 2 hours and he's got 'er back up and running like new. Libby happened to mention my "close the valve to prevent bursting" theory and he says "that's only half the job, you also have to open the petcock."

Of course! The petcock! Wait, what's a petcock again? Oh yeah, it's some stupid little valve that you've never heard of but that you're also supposed to open to bleed the pressure out of the pipe after you close the 'main' valve. So now it's a two part chore. And I'll need to use tools. And probably a little stool or something to stand on. I don't like the sound of this at all.

Petcock is also a word that sounds kinda funny at first but then quickly becomes much less so. Which I guess still makes it intrinsically funnier than any word in the history of computers, so that should count for something. Computers need more funny sounding words. 'Floppy disk' just isn't gonna cut it.

I will be giving demonstrations of the new outside hose connector this Sunday from 1:30-3:00. Feel free to stop over. Please call first.

H20 Phase Diagram [ac]

Fearing that last Friday's show by The Owls at the Cedar risked being too down-tempo for the up-tempo mood I was in, I chose instead to point my jeep toward First Avenue where Cloud Cult was having a CD release party for their new disc Advice From The Happy Hippopotamus. On balance I think it turned out to be the right call.

This was the first show of the tour and the band was [admittedly] a bit rusty, but there were still enough high points for me to understand - if not fully appreciate - the massive buzz that they seem to generate. I mean, sure, they make a good effort at the feedback slathered folksy deconstructionist sound, but some of their antics just kinda bugged me. Like the fact that band leader Craig Minowa would occasionally fire up a drum machine to play some simple little rhythm while the REAL DRUMMER just sat there and stared at the crowd. If a stunt like that is how Minowa's "insane genius" manifests itself, I want my $8 back. If it's just some sort of post-modern joke, well then it's just stupid.

But to be clear, I'd say a good 70% of the show was solid. The older tunes in particular benefited from having a whisper of order to their chaos and I'm guessing that once the live arrangements for the new stuff get worked out that they'll come off much better. For now, however, I'll remain a grounded in the reality of what I heard.

Ida was the opener. They were soft and sweet and melodic and I liked them quite a bit. The lead singer chick even played a harmonium for a bunch of songs. Seriously, how can you not like a harmonium? One nitpick: between songs the guitar player dude was kind of a spaz - making jokes and kind of jumping around and stuff. It seemed like the rest of the band was trying to set this cool, mellow mood, but captain guitar clown didn't get the memo. Someone should have told him. Doof.

• If it's nice out, head over to 50th and France for the Edina Art Fair. There are usually at least a handful of booths selling cool stuff - though there are plenty selling homemade soap and granny fannies, too - so grab a $6 lemonade and take your time. (Parking available in my front lawn for $45. Lemonade not included.) [Jun3-Jun5]
• St. Paul's annual parking disaster known as Grand Old Day happens this weekend. I've never been a fan, but I think I'm probably the only one. Deep down I'm sure Boogie Wonderland is worth the hassle. [Jun5]
• Don't forget to turn your head downward and gaze at your shoes as you soak up The Owls (w/ Captain Yonder) at The Cedar. [Jun3]
• Finish painting the window that you so masterfully repaired last weekend. Best glazing job evar.

Remind me again why I'm not supposed to like Ted Turner? He really feels like one of those guys that I'm not supposed to like, but for some reason whenever I read or hear about him I find myself saying "hells yeah". Remember when he figured out a way to build the Braves a new stadium with no public financing? And the time he gave $1B to the UN (though it's worth less now that TWX is in the toilet)? And then there was the time a few years ago that he did an hour at the National Press Club and went off about big media consolidation and I stood in my office and applauded the radio. I also heard he has a thing for buffalo. Yummy.

Now today he's on CNN - the network he created and is now far removed from - and he goes crazy about how lame they are now that they play down 'real' news and play up stupid stuff. Witness:

"I would like to see us to return to a little more international coverage on the domestic feed and a little more environmental coverage, and, maybe, maybe a little less of the pervert of the day," he said in a speech to CNN employees outside the old Atlanta mansion where the network first aired.

"You know, we have a lot of perverts on today, and I know that, but is that really news? I mean, come on. I guess you've got to cover Michael Jackson, but not three stories about perversion that we do every day as well."

Leaving aside that he used the word 'pervert' 3 times, I still say hells yeah. All that cable TV news stuff grosses me out. It's just day after day of redundant, 'Scandal Of The Week' coverage. Yuck. Think about how much time CNN [probably] dedicated to that stupid runaway bride story. Who watches that crap? Is there really nothing better to talk about on a NEWS channel? (Hint: there's just *gotta* be.) I don't remember CNN always being like this. I remember it being better. A lot better. Except for Crossfire, that show has always been dumb.

Now to be fair, I'm sure there are entire websites devoted to ripping Turner to shreds. After all, he's an outspoken public figure and I think he was maybe a commie or something, so you can bet people hate him. Well I'm too lazy to go looking for the hate stuff - though I'm sure my dad will get me up to speed next time I see him - so for now I guess I'll remain a cautious fan. I still feel like I'm missing something obvious, though.

Turner: CNN Focuses Too Much on Perverts [myway]
The Soap Opera Paradigm: Television Programming and Corporate Priorities [amazon]