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cardinal tavern

[address]

2920 E 38th St Minneapolis

[phone]

(612) 724-5837

[date of visit]

8/6/2004

[price]

[summary]

It's dark, it's dirty, and the food isn't very good. But hey, it's right next to the light rail, the beer is cheap, and they've added an outdoor patio. Party on, Jucy lovers.

[the joint]

What if I told you about a dark dirty bowling alley bar wannabe that caters to the smoke 'em and chug 'em and play a few dozen pull tabs before staggering home drunk crowd? Would you want to go? No? Well what if I told you it was a nostalgic throwback of a family-owned and operated neighborhood joint where tons of people are regulars, the beer is cheap and everybody is happy? Would you go then? Well did I mention the pool tables? The dart boards? The new outdoor patio? The chance to brush up against real live local cable access television stars? What about then?!

Well, my friends, if you're still saying "hell no I won't go" then you just missed your chance to dine at a south Minneapolis institution, the Cardinal Tavern. Take comfort in knowing that - outside of the celebs - you won't miss much, but hey, you're still an ass for not going.

[the food]

Unfortunately, yes, we have to talk about the food. The Cardinal has a regular bar menu with burgers and fries and appetizers and all the other crap you'd expect to find in a bar that has two types of condoms for sale in the men's bathroom. Most of it's fried and all of it's cheap. Hooray for that at least.

We set up on the patio and ordered up a couple orders of cajun onion rings while draining our happy hour beers. They were mushy and kinda gross and the $0.50 upcharge for 'cajun' just meant that they shook on a few sprinkles of Paul Prudhoome Cajun Powder. (A *classic* seasoning from my days as a Pannekoeken cook.) In The Cardinal's defense, the waitress did try and shy us away from the rings, but stubborn as we are, we went ahead and got them. Verdict: avoid or at the very least BYOCajun seasoning and save the fifty cents. Recommendation: the wings at the next table looked delicious.

Another round or so later it was time to order up the main course. The Cardinal's Jucy is hand pattied daily and comes with limited options. Your choice of cheese includes: American. Your choice of onion includes: fried or raw. Your choice of bun includes: [no choice]. Your choice of side includes [$1.25 more]: fries, slaw or cottage cheese. I have no idea why the 'basket' option doesn't include fries AND slaw like every other bar on earth, but I'll chalk it up to thin profit margins and an paralyzing fear of raising prices another thirty cents. Or not, who knows.

The food arrived in around 20 or so minutes, the expected delay for cooking a Jucy to order. First impressions were good. The burgers - nearly hidden under overflow portions of fries - were large, hot, and greasy. An entire slice of onion was provided for those who ordered raw, while the fried variety were stacked neatly on top of the patty.

Then came the actual eating and with it came a spiral into darkness and despair. For it was upon eating that we faced our gravest fear: the dry and tight. We had ordered up 6 jucys and of those, perhaps 2 had reasonable amounts of cheese. The others ranged from 'sorely lacking' to 'completely devoid' of melty gooey goodness. And lo a great sadness fell upon the land.

And lo a great happiness returned once the free pitchers started arriving to apologize for the under performing Jucys! And lo did that happiness reach new heights as the free pitchers were consumed with Viva and Jerry, amid joke telling and name-calling and train watching and general merrymaking late into the evening. And yes, I mean *that* Viva and Jerry for all you Channel 6 addicts out there.

[service]

Service was great. We had maybe 6 different servers throughout the night and they were all friendly and accommodating. All bar wait-staff everywhere should be this good.

[conclusion]

Of the places we've visited so far, The Cardinal Tavern ranks near the bottom in terms of Jucy Lucy and at the top in terms of rowdy fun. I'm sure we'll be back, but we won't kid ourselves and say it's for the food.